


If

by keepleaves



Category: Free!
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 12:24:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5967333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepleaves/pseuds/keepleaves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not the first time Haru has chosen not to say anything out loud, but this is the one time where he's not sure he wants Makoto to understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my three friends that motivated me to get this going basically held my hand through the writing and posting process while I cried a lot.

    It had been three days since Haru decided that he was in love with Makoto.  
  
    It had been three days since the thought has started consuming him.  
  
    It had been three days since he started trying to figure out what to do about it.  
  
    He's been staring at a stupid drawing of Makoto he made in margins of his stupid notes for the past three hours instead of paying attention in class. If a picture paints a thousand words, then why hasn't he come up with anything to say? _Because a picture of Makoto can't possibly explain anything about him_ , he thinks. The sketches come too easily for him for a reason. Haru knows Makoto almost as well as he knows himself. But a picture of Makoto— no matter how good the likeness— will never, ever sum up that Makoto he knows. The drawing he's been staring at has the same kind eyes and the same gentle smile as the boy sitting right next him. But it couldn't show the Makoto who patiently greets him when he gets out of his bath, or the Makoto that will stop mid-conversation because he found a stray cat, or the Makoto that sets the clock in his room one minute ahead of his cellphone because "it'll take me a least a minute for me to set the time correctly, and I don't want to be late!" There are a thousand words to describe Makoto, but there are none that Haru can string together to explain exactly how he's feeling.  
  
    Haru can't help but sneak a glance to his left to compare his sketch to the living, breathing person next to him. Almost as though he has already anticipated it, Makoto turns his head to face Haru. Haru blinks at him —he's not sure why he's so surprised, they've always been in sync like that— and Makoto gives him the smallest of smiles before returning his attention to the front of the room.  Haru lets out a long breath he didn't realize he was holding and briskly flips the page, effectively covering up his margin doodles. There are a thousand words he's never spoken out loud that weren't as important, and Makoto has known all of them just by looking at him, but now, when he wants Makoto to know what's on his mind, or maybe he doesn't, Haru's not sure—  
  
    "Haru-chan, are you ready to go?"  
  
     _Oh._ That's another thing the drawing can't capture: Makoto's voice. It's not quite as deep as his own, but there's a quality to it that's almost husky. They've been friends for seventeen years. At this point, he can hear Makoto's answers to his questions in his head. It's the same voice he can hear when he's reading over Makoto's notes to copy, or when he gets a text from Makoto, as sparingly as they come. It's soothing to imagine when he's up late, feeling lonely, but doesn't want to call Makoto to talk about what's on his mind out of fear he's placing his unwanted burdens on someone else. He never remembers to bring it up in the morning when they walk to school together, but he knows if he did, he'd already know what Makoto would say, and exactly how he would say it.  
  
    "Yes," Haru responds, not bothering to correct Makoto as he gathers up his things.  There's swim practice today. He can think about it later.

* * *

    They walk by the beach on the way home. Haru doesn't say much. Makoto chatters away. Things are up to standard, but Haru can feel the undercurrent of his anxiety slowing him down until he stops walking completely.  
  
    "Haru? What's the matter? Are you okay?" Makoto turns around, stopping a few steps ahead of Haru, eyes already wide with concern.  
  
    "Hey, Makoto. Can we sit here for a little?" Haru motions at the low wall right by the sand. He doesn't wait for a response, already knowing Makoto will follow. He's trying to quell the confession that threatens to pour out of his mouth, even if he hasn't quite formulated the words to say yet. Haru busies himself instead, swinging his legs over the wall and facing the ocean. He already feels much better burying his shoes into the sand, with no barriers between himself and vast expanse of the sea. Being near water always does that to him, and so has being near Makoto, up until three days ago. And even while he had been grappling with his feelings in those days, he couldn't bear to spend any one of them without Makoto. _It's a bittersweet feeling_ , he thinks. The fondness and familiarity Makoto has given will always be there for him, but now it's tinged with the sadness. There's a risk involved now: he could lose Makoto forever. It’s not a chance Haru is sure he's willing to take.  
  
    He doesn't move when he feels Makoto adjusting in his seat next to him, shaking his mess of light brown hair out of his eyes. Haru can feel the taller boy's studying his face, trying to figure out what's gotten into him, but he stays silent, opting instead to lean on Makoto, feeling very, very lost. Almost automatically, Makoto slips his arm around Haru's waist, and Haru practically falls into the touch, laying his head on his friend's shoulder. Haru's earliest memory is one of being in water, where he could move freely while still enveloped on all sides. Makoto's presence was as comforting as that first recollection. It always has been. Whenever he got too unstable, too unsure, too dry, he could drown himself in Makoto and everything would be okay. But how can he begin to explain that?  
  
    They're both quiet for a long time. Makoto, as always, is the first to break the silence. "Will you tell me what's wrong?"  
  
    "...No."  
  
    "...Okay. When you're ready, I'll be here."  
  
    Just like that. No pushing, no fuss, just a reassuring constant of something that's always been a part of Haru’s life. Just like the water.  
  
_If I could be two places at one time, I'd always be with you. Tomorrow, today, and forever, I want to be beside you._  
  
    Twenty-four words. That's not bad. But those twenty-four words have enough weight to end a relationship he's been in for his whole life.  
  
    "Makoto."  
  
    "Hm?" Makoto turns to look at him expectantly. Haru tilts his head to return his gaze this time, blue eyes meeting green. There are twenty-four words he's come up with. He's pretty sure he could reduce them down to just three. But even the smallest disturbance causes ripples on a smooth water surface. Haru lets his eyes slip closed while he listens to the sound of the waves lapping onto the shore, still feeling the warmth of Makoto's arm around him. If the world stopped spinning and started to slowly fade away right now, Haru is sure he would be happy dying right here, spending the end of his existence next to his best friend. Even if his words were left unspoken.  
  
    "...Nothing. Let's go home."  
  
    He won't say anything today. He doesn't need to say anything. Things are fine the way they are.

**Author's Note:**

> Mandatory disclaimer: I've never written a fanfic or anything moderately like it in my life. Please forgive me if there's any really obvious mistakes I missed and definitely let me know! Either way, I hope you enjoyed reading, and your thoughts and comments would make me super happy. (P.S. There's a couple of direct references, including the title, to the source inspiration. Bonus points if you can find it!)
> 
> Someone once pointed out to me that Haru is the type of person who wouldn't like things to change because he likes the way his life is and there's no risk, so he reacts violently when people start talking about the future. Which is why he doesn't tell Makoto what's up. "A ship is safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are for" and all that.
> 
> If you like my work, I've had a couple ideas bouncing around in my head for the past few months. They're all AUs and I'm beginning to formulate them coherently, so keep an eye out for them if you're interested! You can also find me at keepleaves.tumblr.com.


End file.
